I Shouldn't Have Let Her Go
by wonderluster1993
Summary: Emily once got some very good advice off her Dad. She just didn't listen. She didn't understand. Until it was too late. Now the day has come and she has to live with the choice she's made. A choice she's not sure she'll ever be able to live with. Alison on the other hand, has her own demons to deal with. And it's all because of what happened that one summer.(EMISON)
1. I Shouldn't Have Let Her Go

**_I SHOULDN'T HAVE LET HER GO._**

Before my Dad passed away he told me something that's stuck with me ever since. It wasn't something I listened to though, nor was it something I understood immediately. As I sit here wishing I had just listened to my old man, wishing I got it then and there. Do you want to know what he said to me?

"Emmy, you'll only get one great girl in your life. Sure you may find good girls, girls that make you happy. But they won't be that one great girl. You'll never forget her. I promise you that. Do whatever it is you can to keep that great girl, because you'll regret letting her walk away".

I remember just looking at him and seeing him deflate. You could see that he knew I wasn't getting it. I thought then that he was talking about Paige. He said it right after she flew off to California. Now, I can sit here and try to blame by Dad's terrible timing. But there's no real point. I misunderstood for too long. Now, I'm sitting here, in a church. I'm about to watch the great girl get married. To a person who isn't me.

I can't help but think how stupid I've been. I should have just told her all those years ago how I felt. I should have trusted her and listened to her. I should have believed that she'd changed for the better. I can see it now. She's grown into this amazing, kind, loving woman. I shouldn't have let her go.

I hear the church doors open and I rise with the rest of the room for the girl of my dreams to make her grand entrance. It wouldn't be an event unless there was that signature Ali entrance. She's always known how to make her presence known in the most magical ways. I can't bring myself to look up. I hear gasps and I hear whispers.

"Em, are you alright?" Hanna whispers in my ear. You would think Hanna would be focused on the bride, and her dress. It warms my heart slightly that she's thinking of me. "Em" she says warmly and I feel her hand touch the middle of my back in support.

At that I look up and see her. The great girl in the most exquisite dress I think I have ever seen. It was obviously made for only her to wear. Her blonde locks are cascading down her back dressed with the most beautiful flowers. She's radiant.

"I can't do this" I whisper. I felt my heart breaking. I remember this feeling all to well. I felt it when she disappeared. I felt it when I thought she was A. I felt it when she told me she was marrying someone else. But nothing can compare to this kind of heartbreak. It's happening in slow motion. I can feel every crack, every piece shattering. I've lost a lot in my time. But this is something in a whole different league.

I lock eyes with the girl _I_ should be marrying and I can see her freeze. It's like she's trying to tell me something with her eyes. The moment passes, she looks ahead and makes her way to the alter.

I wipe a rogue tear away and slip quietly out of the church. _Hold it together Fields, just make it home._

I get into my car with shaky hands. I feel like I'm going to be sick. I stop myself before I drive, and I take a few breaths. _Not yet, not yet._

I make it to my mothers house and thank god that she's not home. I don't think I could stand that look of pity in her eyes. I rush into my house and fly up those familiar stairs.

I can't breathe. I can't get any air into my lungs.

I make it into my childhood bedroom, that hasn't changed a single bit.

I stand in the middle of the room and stop. _Now._

This is when I let everything out. I let out a guttural moan and start crying as I drop to my knees. I don't fall to the ground though. "I've got you" I hear Hanna's voice in my ear and that's when I totally lose it. I burrow myself into her chest and I cry, and I sob. I have no idea how long I spend like that, it felt like a forever.

"Sweetie, you need to calm down. You need to breathe okay" she comforts as she strokes my head, rocking me back and forth gently.

I can feel myself slipping away, there are black spots clouding my vision as I try to focus on my best friend. "I shouldn't have let her go" I break out before I lose consciousness.

My Dad was right. You'll only ever have one great girl. I will never forget about her. And I will always regret this.

 _I shouldn't have let her go._

 **AUTHORS NOTE: This is a little something I had stuck in my head. It's something I experienced not too long ago. The only difference between me and Emily, I stayed and watched the whole thing. And it's something I don't think I'll be over for a really long time. Now I'm not to sure about making it more than just a simple one shot. It's a little heartbreaking, but I love this piece. Tell what you guys think. Would you like more one-shots like this? Maybe some happy ones? Angry ones? Sexy ones? Let me know!**


	2. Chapter 2: The Morning After

**_THE MORNING AFTER THE DAY BEFORE._**

 ** _Authors note: Here's another piece to this story. I honestly don't know how long I'll go with this one. But it's stuck in my head and I do want to get it out. I'm going to tell you now, this one is dark. This one will really break your heart. And as it stands I don't know how I'm going to end it._**

 ** _It also won't all be in Emily's POV. I want to explore Ali's side of this story too. Because there is always another side._**

My head feels like it's been hit with a hammer. Not once, not twice, but over and over and over again. I take a deep breath in and out. I keep my eyes closed as I hear voices talking around me.

 _I don't remember falling asleep._ I keep quiet and still as I listen to familiar voices filling the space around me.

"You don't understand Aria. I have never seen her like that. That was… That was the most heartbreaking thing I have ever seen" _Hanna._ She sounds so sad, so helpless. What is the hell is she talking about?

"Well what are you proposing we do here Hanna? Because Emily is the hardest person to get through to when she's hurt. You think Ali gets closed off. Emily is ten times worse" Aria huffs back in exasperation. I can feel her shoulders deflate from where I'm laying. Why are they talking about me? Why the hell was I asleep? I decide enough is enough and slowly start to open my eyes.

I let out a pained groan at the light hitting my eyes, _that didn't help my head at all._ I look around and see two of my best friends staring back at me with worried expressions painted on their faces.

"Hey" Aria says as she goes to sit by me on my… my bed. I look back at her and am taken back by the way she's looking at me.

Aria has always had this way of looking at you with her sympathetic, puppy-like eyes and making you really feel the weight of what it is that your dealing with. It's always so genuine and open. "Hey" I rasp out. I grimace at how sore my throat is. I know this feeling. I know there's only one reason I'm feeling like this. "I was crying?" I feel Hanna shift so she's sitting on my other side.

"Yeah sweetie. You were crying" she says like she's talking to a scared little girl. She looks at me like I'm about to break, stroking my hair like my dad used to when I was sad or scared. We sit in silence for a minute whilst I try and regain my sense of time. I'm trying to reorientate myself to my reality.

Then it hits me. Why I was crying, why my head hurts so much. "Oh" I say in a small, defeated murmur.

"Em-" Aria begins, but I put my hand up to stop her. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear any of it. I just want to go back to before. When I was asleep. I was having the best dream. I was with her, at the Kissing Rock. I got to tell her how much I loved her. What I loved about her. It was such a happy place. But this place I've woken into, it feels cold and empty.

"I just want to be alone. Can I just be alone?" I say as I feel my voice crack. I look up to the ceiling trying to will my tears to stay hidden. I really don't want to cry in front of these girls again.

"Emily, I don't think that's a very good idea…" Hanna suggests tentatively. I know why, I know she knows that as soon as I'm alone I'll start spiralling again. I did it the first time we lost Alison, that's why I lost touch with the girls back then. It wasn't because I didn't want to talk to them, it's because they couldn't help me. They made it worse, especially Hanna. Every time I saw Hanna, I was reminded of Ali. They're more alike than either would care to admit.

And as I sit here looking back into her open, loving eyes I know I can do this. I just can't. Not _again._

"Go. Hanna. Please just go" I say in a husky tone. She stares back into my eyes and I can see her relent.

"I'm going to come by tomorrow and check on you okay. We'll watch trashy movies and eat ice cream" she says with a less-than convincing smile on her face. I just look down at my hands and nod. The bed shifts and I hear the two girls leave. Before they walk down my stairs I hear Aria's voice carry down my hallway, "Hanna, she is _not_ okay. Really, really not okay".

There's a little pause before I hear Hanna force out, "I know".

I wait until I hear my front door shut and I let those tears fall. At first they just fell slowly, and quietly. But as I tried to contain myself, and how I was feeling, they started to force themselves to the surface. I let out a single sob and that was it. The dam wall broke, again.

I ripped my covers off in anger and raced down to my kitchen where I knew I'd find the only thing I need right now. I rummage through my mother's cupboards knowing she's hidden it. "Come on, where are you. Where are you? Where are you?" I ramble in a maniacal fashion. I rummage until I find it. I grab it and walk to my back porch. I sit in the very same spot I did when I had _that_ talk with my dad.

I lift the bottle up and take the lid off. I calm slightly at the sound of the lid popping off. I take a long draw of the whiskey my mother failed to hide. I wince as it burns my throat. That's what I'm looking for though. That burn, because I know what comes next. I'll get to forget.

"You were right Dad. I shouldn't have let her go".


	3. Chapter 3: How Am I Here?

**_HOW AM I HERE?_**

I've never felt like this before. I've never been _allowed_ to feel like this. I'm a Dilaurentis, I'm supposed to feel strong, powerful. Right now? I'm feeling anything but. I remember my mother giving me advice about making it to the top, about being the best. Do you know what she said to me? Her piece of motherly advice…

"You need to be on top, you need to be the best. You are a Dilaurentis. You need to start understanding what that means" she said that with such a cold stare that it still chills me. When she first told me that I didn't understand. I didn't get why being a Dilaurentis was so special. Why my mother was so adamant that I become this person. She drummed that into me. Day after day, night after night. So you shouldn't be surprised that I became what I feared the most. I became a queen bee. I became a total monster. I became a Dilaurentis. There was one day when I was about fourteen that I looked in the mirror and saw a complete stranger looking back at me. That, right there, was the my terrifying thing I had experienced. Unfortunately for my mother, she couldn't control who I am at my core. She taught me to lie, how to live in my lies. So I did. I let her believe I was the girl she wanted me to be on a complete level. There's only four people who have seen the person I'm meant to be, the one that makes me feel happy. And out of those four, there's only one that makes me feel like it's okay. She's this _great_ girl.

I feel a lump in my throat at the thought of her. Of not being able to be that Alison for her. How? How did I end up here? As I stand at my wedding reception, I over hear one of those four talking on the phone.

"Is she okay?" I heard Spencer question into her phone. This piqued my curiosity. Who is she talking about?

I turn my attention away from the friends I'm talking to, I place and empty smile on my face and I listen.

"Hanna... you know you can't leave her alone. Not after last time" I hear Spencer say in frustration.

 _Come on Spencer, say a name._ "Well, we'll just have to take it in turns. Even if it's from a distance".

At that I excuse myself from the group I was stuck talking to, and walk a little closer to where Spencer is standing. Luckily it's right by the bar. Which, considering my day I could use a drink. Or ten.

"It's different this time, isn't it?" Spencer asks hesitantly. I see her deflate a little and that's all the confirmation I need to know she didn't get the answer she wanted.

"I've got to go Hanna, I haven't seen Ali at all and it is her _wedding_ reception. I'll talk to you later. I love you too" Spencer ends the line and just looks blankly at her phone. I take a glass of wine from the bar and make my exit.

Truth be told I've been avoiding all the girls today. Especially Emily.

I knew she was going to struggle with today, hell I've struggled with today. I couldn't talk to her about it though, I still can't talk about it. When I caught her eyes today in the church it broke a piece of me that I don't think will ever repair. I could see it, I could see her heart breaking. She's always been an easy person to read, it's her eyes. She has the worlds most expressive eyes. I could see her trying to hold back the tears, I could see how pale she was. And there was nothing I could do about it. So I turned away, and kept walking.

It's in my genes. To repress my feelings and emotions. To ignore my desires. To put on a cold front and do what needs to be done. My mother taught me that, she wanted me to be stronger than everyone else. I'm a Dilaurentis, I know how to become that person, the ice queen. The thing is, when I'm with Emily she warms me. I get to be the person I want to be, not the person my family wants me to be. Not this person Rosewood expects me to be.

This is different though. My mother didn't ask me to marry a man I didn't love. If she was still around she would've seen it. She would have seen how unhappy I am. My father I haven't seen in years. After my mother passed away he couldn't look me in the eye. I think I remind him too much of her. And Jason, he's never really been able to let the past go. So he keeps a distance. I invited him to the wedding. Truth be told I'm not entirely surprised he didn't come. I would have liked to have at least one family member here. I guess I don't deserve that. There's a lot I don't deserve.

I find a quite place one the balcony outside and take a minute to try and figure this out. I need to figure out how I ended up here. Sad, scared and alone. And now, god now I'm trapped.

"Ali?" I'm ripped from my thoughts by a familiar voice. I turn to see the youngest Hastings looking back at me.

I get myself together and try to put a believable smile on my face. "Spencer, hey. Are you have a good night?" I ask as I hug the smart brunette.

"It's been an interesting night to say the least Ali. I wouldn't have expected anything less from you" I chuckle lightly at that, despite the fact that it felt more like an insult than a compliment. I don't say anything, I just look down at my wine hoping I can hide myself from Spencer.

"Are you okay Ali? You seem... off" she asks. I knew I'd have trouble getting past her observant eye.

"It's just been a huge day. Y'know? I just needed a minute to get my head together" I say with a small smile on my face. "You need to get back in there and make the most of the bar tab. This place has really nice whiskey" I say in a joking tone. She looks down to her feet and lets out a hearty laugh. Which makes me smile. I love Spencer's laugh. It's so comforting. That's what being around Spencer is like in general. She's always been more of a sister to me than a friend. I think that's why we've butt heads so much in the past. Whilst I didn't get to have any of my real family here, I'm so glad Spencer and the others came. They're the closest thing I have to family now. I'm just scared that my husband won't be as agreeable to that. He's very… _opinionated._

She gives me another hug "I'm really happy for you Ali" she whispers honestly into my ear and takes her leave. I just nod and smile as we end the hug, and I watch the closest thing I have to a sister walk away. _God, this day sucks._

As soon as I see the door close I turn around and let a few rogue tears fall down my cheeks. I try to wipe them away, but they just keep falling faster. I eventually give up. What's the use? I didn't gain something today. I lost something, I lost something so big and brilliant.

I can't do this. Not here Ali. I drop my wine glass and begin to quickly walk down the stairs that opens up into this beautiful rose garden lit with twinkle lights. Which just makes my tears fall harder. She's always had a thing for the twinkle lights.

I make it to a secluded part of the garden. _Here, let go, here._

And I do. I cry, with silent sobs. I fall to my knees, cushioned by my wedding dress. My head falls into my hands and I feel it. I feel my heart break completely. I thought I just needed to vent these feelings out and I'd be okay. I didn't expect this. I didn't expect it to hurt this much. I didn't expect to realise I'm not even close to okay.

I guess this is my fault though. I deserve to feel like this. I got myself into this mess and now, I just have to live with it. As I sit in the middle of this rose garden, surrounded by the twinkle lights, completely alone on my wedding night I realise something. Not only do I have to live with that. I have to live with the regret of doing the one thing I shouldn't have.

 _I shouldn't have let her go._

 **Authors Note: So I'm definitely continuing with this story. Updates are going to alternate. I'll do my best to keep them as regular as possible. I'm loving both of the stories I'm writing. I wish I could just sit and write them all day long.**

 **Too bad I have to work for a living.**

 **I hope you enjoyed seeing where Alison's standing in this story.**

 **This is taking an turn down the AU road. Which I'm kind of loving. Stay tuned for more.**

 **Next we'll see where Emily's at, and we may even learn why the other girls are so concerned with her well being.**

 **And what about Ali? Who the hell is her husband and why did she marry a man who makes her so unhappy. Why does she feel so trapped?! I'd love to hear your theories.**


	4. Chapter 4: I Am Already Gone

**_I AM ALREADY GONE:_**

I sit on my front porch, coffee warming my hands, the sun on my face, a gentle breeze in my hair and I smile. This is my bliss, right here. Even more so when I hear the padding of a certain blondes feet behind me.

"I was right you know" she says from behind me, and I can feel the smug look on her face. It's one that I've been acquainted with all too often.

I chuckle and turn to face her, I smile inwardly at how comfortable she is leaning on the frame of my front door. She looks like she's exactly where she needs to be. _That's because she is._

"Enlighten me on what that is Ali" I say curious as to what she's talking about. It's not new, Alison being cryptic. She's always loved being a mystery. She loves talking in be told I love that about her. I shouldn't but I can't help it.

"You look so good with the wind in your hair" she says softly and I melt at the way she's looking at me.

She moves to sit next to me on the porch. I love just sitting with her watching the morning roll by. I smirk when she reaches across and steals a sip from my coffee.

"I love you" I say as our eyes meet over my coffee mug. She smiles into the cup and I see something in her eyes change.

"I love you too" she says in an almost-whisper as she hands me my coffee back. I set it down on the stair below me and turn my full attention to the beauty that is Alison Dilaurentis.

"I mean it Ali, I am so in love with you" I say as I cup her cheek with one hand and lean in until our lips are almost touching. I can feel her smile on my lips as she moves in to close the distance. Our lips melt into each other. I hear her let out a contented sigh at the kiss. It wasn't heated or rushed. It was a, 'we have our whole lives we can spend like this' kind of a kiss.

She pulls back and we just look into each others eyes, and we come to a silent agreement. Ali stands slowly from her spot, reaching her hand out to help me up. I pull her body into mine and sigh happily at how good she feels.

"Come on" she barely whispers and begins to lead me into my house. I know exactly where she's taking me. Though she's never said it, I know it's her favourite place. Truth be told, it's mine too. How could it not?

We make it to my bedroom and I close the door behind me. She lets go of my hand, turns around slowly to face me and starts to take her shirt off, eyes never leaving mine. I can't do anything but stare back at her, it's like she has me completely entranced. As she continues to strip the rest of her clothing off with a knowing smirk, her left dimple popping, I know she's enjoying every second of this.

She sits back on my bed, surrounded by my pillows still staring back at me, "I know you want to kiss me" she says in the most sultry tone. I half snap out of my daze and start to take my clothes off too. I smile to myself when I hear her breath hitch at the sight of my naked torso. It's always been her favourite part of me, I never understood why.

"Emily, I need you over here. Now" she demands making me know there's no room to move. I huff out a laugh as I rid myself of my favourite pyjama pants and stalk my way up my bed until I'm hovering over her, my thigh resting lightly on her centre.

"Hello" I breathe out as I feel her hands start to explore my abdomen. I close my eyes in pleasure as her hands daringly caress my breasts. "Ali" I moan out.

"Emily I want you to do something for me, do you thing you can manage that?" Ali says with a hint of vulnerability that I rarely see in her.

"Ali I'd do anything for you, you know that" I say as I lean my head down and touch my lips to hers in a barely there kiss.

"I want you to love me" she says and I melt when I see her eyes well. I smile as I lean down and plant a more solid kiss to her lips. I rest my weight on her body, both of us moaning when we feel our skin touching skin.

"Always" was all I could manage…

* * *

I wake up on my front porch confused and soaked to the bone. I jump with a start as I feel another fresh wave of ice cold water fall on me. "What the hell!" I yell out. Incredibly frustrated and harbouring one epic hangover.

"You need to get up" I hear a familiar voice behind me and I whip around. I see her flinch and my aggressive demeanour. "Em I'm not kidding. You can't be doing this. And if you're going to choose to go down this road. Don't do it where the whole of Rosewood can watch you" she says firmly.

I look around to see pedestrians passing by my house and whispering.

"Oh great. Talk about the poor girl who lost the best thing that ever happened to her. Let's just kick her whilst she's down! That's a great idea. Just splendid" I say with a venom on my tongue.

Maybe I'm overreacting. But I'm hurt. I'm alone. And I'm hungover. Not to mention that dream I had felt so real, it felt like I was reliving that morning all over again. We were so carefree then, nothing could touch us. I felt that sun and that wind and her lips on mine. _I felt it._

"Em-" I hear my friend say wearily. I cut her off as I brush passed her into my house.

"Leave me alone Hanna" I say bitterly. I don't want to talk about my feelings. I don't want to talk about what happened. I don't want to talk about anything. I just want space. I want space from the way Hanna is looking at me. Or from the way Aria looked at me last night, or from the way I know my mother is going to look at me when she gets back from visiting family in Texas. I can't deal with any of this.

I can still feel it. Parts of my heart crumbling away from when it broke yesterday. Each time I think about her eyes or her smile. Oh god and the sound of her laugh. Another piece just breaks away.

"Emily I am not going to let you go down this road again. I am not going to watch you self-destruct. I am sure as hell not going to keep finding you passed out on your front porch with an empty bottle of whiskey in the middle of the afternoon" Hanna says animatedly.

"Well, then I guess you won't be coming over here any time soon then, will you" I say darkly. I have no intention of doing what she's asking. I need to forget. I need to go back to that place in my dreams. Where I get to love Alison and she gets to love me back.

"Em, please don't shut me out. Any of us. We're your friends, we want to be here for you. You just have to let us" Hanna pleads softly. I cringe at the desperation in her voice. I turn and walk off to the dining room. _I know there's another bottle in here._

My hand lands on another bottle of what was my dads favourite whiskey and I grasp to it like it's oxygen. I hear Hanna enter the room and sigh.

"Don't say anything Han. I just want to be alone. I can't do this. It's too much, and it's too hard. What... what if it were you and Caleb married another woman. Are you going to stand there and tell me you wouldn't be completely heartbroken" I can see Hanna hesitate. I know the answer to the question is obvious.

"I would Em, it would hurt. But I wouldn't be doing this. The anger and the whiskey and withdrawing yourself" at that I could feel an anger building deep inside me.

"Oh hi Pot, my names Kettle. Jesus Hanna! You did this after New York. You did exactly what I'm doing now!" I yelled back furious. I can feel my blood boiling, I can feel it rushing through my veins.

"That wasn't the same Em" Hanna ground out firmly.

"Enlighten me please" I say sarcastically.

"I was seventeen! We were dealing with a psychopath. And for the recored Em, you have done this before too. After Ali disappeared you were this distant and angry person. That's why we all lost touch with you. Then after Maya died, you spent that whole summer wasted. I don't think you remember a thing about it. You, you scared us then Em. And now, now you're really scaring me" Hanna let's out shakily.

I look at the bottle in my hand, then back at the pleading eyes of my best friend.

"You should go" I whisper out. I cringe at the sound of Hanna slamming my front door.

I know this isn't the right thing to be doing. I know exactly what it is that I'm doing. I can't have the girls around to see me break again. I can't be that person to them. This damaged, bitter, sad person. I'm not the Emily they love, that girl did the one thing she shouldn't have. She held out hope, she hoped that one day Alison Dilaurentis, the love of her life, would love her back.

What makes this worse, I had Ali. We were starting something when Ali came back from her disappearance. We were starting to connect, slowly, but we were starting off the something we had when we were fourteen. The something that was always there between us. We were just too young then to understand it, or see it.

I can't get passed the worst feeling of them all.

The sucking hole of regret that's taking up residence where my heart used to be. And as I take a long swig from the bottle of whiskey in my hand I know.

I shouldn't have let her go.

 **Authors Note: I haven't updated this one in a bit. Sorry guys. I was just trying to figure out where I want to take it. Which now, I have. I've mapped it out. I'm throwing a few dream sequences/flashbacks in to try and add a little light to this story. It can get a bit too hard to read when it's all angst all the time.**

 **Tell me what you think? Do you think Emily is going to totally self-destruct? Or will her very persistent friends help her see she can move on from all of this.**

 **Also listen to 'Where Are You (I Am Already Gone) by Kate Tucker when reading this.**


	5. Chapter 5: Lonesome Dreams

**CHAPTER FIVE: Lonesome Dreams**

 **Authors Note: Domestic Abuse Trigger Warning. Sorry to those who have read this already. I posted this at work and forgot to post it with a warning. Read ahead at your own discretion.**

I haven't seen any of my friends for what feels like years. I know it's only been a week, but I miss them. I want to see them, I need to see them. It's just Elliot. It always comes back to Elliot and what Elliot wants. I don't even know what it was that my father saw in him, or why he was so adamant that we become a 'we'. It felt like more of a business arrangement from the beginning. I still cringe when I think about our first date; it felt like a job interview.

I cringe a lot when I think about Elliot. How whole relationship has felt so inorganic.

It's like there's this checklist, and we have to tick all the boxes. Date, get engaged, get married, white-picket fence. There's no spark or passion. There is no love, but I said 'I do' anyway. I said it because I know what Elliot really is for our family. He's good for our ego. Well, he's good for my father's ego.

So here I am, staring blankly out my kitchen window dreaming of something better, of being anywhere than in this kitchen. I know what I want, I know who I want. I knew it years ago. I even let myself have it for the littlest while. That summer was the best summer of my life. That first night when we finally decided to let ourselves fall. I will never forget that moment. When I feel as empty as I do now, I replay that first kiss over and over and over again. The way it felt to have those lips on mine. The way my heart felt like it was going to fly out of my chest, the way those arms held so I didn't completely lose myself. I will always hold onto that.

I couldn't help what happened at the end of that summer. We let life get in the way. We were young. I wish I knew now what I did then. I wouldn't let what the world thought was right dictate to me what was really what I wanted, or needed. I would have taken us as far away from Rosewood and started the life I should be living. I like to dream about what we'd be doing. Living in a little house together, married. I would be teaching at the high school, something I've always wanted to do. I love the idea of inspiring young minds. I want to inspire them and influence them in a way I never had the chance to experience. My mind was manipulated in a completely different way.

"ALISON!" I jump at the volume of my husband's voice. I look at the clock and panic. He hates it when I do this. I tend to get lost in that other life I've created in my head I forget to do everything else. I look around the kitchen and shiver at what I know is going to unfold. It always does when he gets home to a meal unprepared. I should feel guilty, but I don't. Whatever Elliot has in store for it, it's worth it. If I got to spend the last few hours living in the world I want to, I'll take whatever punishment he has in store.

"Elliot, I got a little side-tracked. I-I'm s-orry. I'll have dinner finished in half an hour. I promise" I get out in a rush. Trying to temper his anger before it really starts to escalate. But as he stalks into the kitchen to see I've not even started preparing his nightly meal, I can see that there's nothing I could do or say that will calm his brutish self. He walks up to me slowly, like he's stalking his prey and I feel a big shiver descend down my spine.

"How hard is it huh? I don't ask you for much Alison. I go out all day so I can provide you with this life. With those clothes, and this house, with EVERYTHING" he booms. I try to move away from him, but as I try to duck around the kitchen island, he grabs onto my wrists so hard I think he may actually crush them and I cower at the seething look he's giving me. "Where do you think you're going, _darling?_ You have a dinner to cook for me" he says in a sickly sweet voice. When he finishes he shoves me to the ground and sneers in my direction. "God you're so pathetic. If your mother could see you now" he growls as he moves off deeper into our house. I stand and wipe the tears off my face.

 _You're Alison DiLaurentis. You're strong. You can get through anything._

I keep telling myself that, like a mantra. As I prepare my husband's meal I can't help the thoughts racing through my mind. The questions that are swirling around my head; what is she doing now? Is she happy? Is she loved?

I want so badly to be the answers to those questions. I want to be her happy ending. I don't want to wonder what she's doing because I'd be with her. As I finish making his meal, I clear the rubbish and move to take it out. I want to do it before he comes into the kitchen to devour his meal. I don't want to be in the same room as him. Not if I can help it.

As I make it down the stairs at the front of my house I see Spencer walking to her car. I duck my head in the hopes she doesn't notice me, or just ignores me. "Ali!" I hear her calling. I let my shoulders slump, I should've known better. I've never gotten anything I want. _Except for that one summer._

"Spencer, hello" I say with as much enthusiasm as I can muster. Which considering what happened in my kitchen, isn't much.

"I haven't seen you around lately. How have you been? How's married life treating you?" she asks with a little smirk. I grimace slightly at the question and try to mask it with a smile. Before I could answer I see something flicker in Spencer's eye and I know she saw it, she saw the sadness.

"It's going great" is all I can manage. "I better get going, Elliot will be wondering where I am" I say hastily as I turn to rush back into my house. Before I can make it that far Spencer grabs my by the wrist to stop me. I can help the hiss that escapes my lips as she grabs onto my now bruised wrist. "Ali, are you alight?" Spencer worriedly asks.

"You know me Spence, I'm always alright" I put on a fake smile and pull me sleeve down to hide any evidence of a bruise. I can't have Spencer asking any questions.

"Ali…" she starts softly.

"Spencer, I really need to be getting back inside. It was nice to say hi though" I say hastily as I finally sprint back into the house. As I make it to the other side of my front door I rest on it to catch my breath and compose myself. That pity in Spencer's voice almost broke me. I close my eyes and for one moment take myself back to the first day of _that_ summer. To _that_ kiss. With _that_ person. I can't help the single tear that rolls down my cheek. For a little while I had exactly what I wanted. I just wasn't strong enough to keep hold of it. I should have tried so much harder. It's nights like these where there's one thought drowning out all the others.

 _I shouldn't have let her go._

 ** _Authors Note: Well here we are, another chapter in one of the most angst filled stories I've been a part of. Like I said, this isn't going to be a happy story, at least not any time soon. These girls have so many demons to overcome. Neither girl has any idea how much pain the other is in._**

 ** _Stay tuned for the next chapter, where the girls finally have some interaction. How do you think they're going to act around each other after the fall out of Alison's unwanted wedding to her unwanted husband?_**

 ** _And what's the deal with that anyway? Why were her parents so set on Alison being with Elliot?_**


	6. Chapter 6: Smother

**_Chapter Six: Smother_**

I've been dreading today. Today's the day they announce the new swim coach position and I just _know_ it's not going to be the same. If it's going to Paige McCullers then, well I have to deal with her brutish face scowling at me on a daily basis. I'd rather stick a knife in a toaster than face that every day. If it goes to Emily… Emily Fields, my sweet Emily… that's an entirely different story. I would be faced with the constant reminder of what we could have had. Of what happened at the end of that summer, of what I gave up to try and keep my family together. Sure, they're together now. I wouldn't call what we have a family. What we have is what my father would call a happy business arrangement.

I make it to the faculty parking lot and shut my car off and just sit. I just need another minute to myself before I face what's about to be. I know deep down, as hard as it would be, I want to hear the students call out for Coach Fields. I want to see her every day. I know it's selfish. I know it. It's unkind and exactly what's expected of a Dilaurentis. Unkind in the face of what your heart is screaming at you, yelling that 'this is what I want, she is what I want!'.

But she's moved on, she's had a whole life. We haven't really seen each other for five years, she's moved on. I know Paige was in California too. Now they're both back it… it just back sense. They ended up together. Paige got the girl. That thought alone makes me want to be sick. But I can't be mad at Emily for having a life. I can't, not after what happened, not after the last day of that summer. Can I hate the fact that she's with McCullers, I sure as hell can.

I steal one more deep breath and look up, _you can do this, whatever…whoever it is, you can do this._ I get out of my car and start of into the school. The air is crisp, the sun is shining and the leaves are starting to fall. I smile inwardly, revelling in the memory they resurface.

 _I laugh at her silliness. I love her at this time of the year, she turns into a child. She forgets about who's around, about what people would think of her and she just let's herself enjoy the things she loves. Which this morning, is the huge pile of fall leaves piled up at the park. No one else is around, it's just after eight in the morning and we should be on our way to school. "Emily! what are you doing?" I giggle as she laughs loudly picking up bunches of leaves and throwing them above her head, looking up and watching as they float to the ground around her._

 _"_ _It's fall Ali! Don't you just love fall?" she says in wonder. I know she loves it, she gets like this every time the fall season is at it's peak. Truth be told, I love winter more. There's a beauty in winter most people don't try hard enough to see, they don't bother looking beneath the surface._

 _"_ _It's beautiful Em, I'll give you that. And I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but we have to hurry up a little more. You wanted to walk to school today, and we're going to be late" I say as sternly as I can. Unfortunately it's not stern enough because she can see the smile on my face and she can see I'm only half-heartedly trying to get her to move on._

 _"_ _Why don't we just skip today?" she says excitedly, walking up to me quickly. I falter at the request. Despite what most would think of me, I don't like skipping. I want to do as well as I can in school so I can get myself the hell away from Rosewood._

 _I see her soften when she sees my hesitance, "What about just the morning? I know you've got French first up, and let's be real here Ali, you're fluent. I think you speak it better than Ms. Matherson anyway" I raise my eyebrows in agreeance. I stand there, looking into her hopeful brown eyes. After a moment I melt, I relent, I give in._

 _"_ _Fine, just the morning. I really don't want to miss out on English" I reason, and smile when she squeals in excitement. She takes my hand and starts running. Before I could stop her she pulls me down into a huge pile of leaves, we're surrounded by oranges and yellows and reds and browns. We both roll around in fits of laughter and how good it feels to, even for a little while, forget about what it is we're supposed to be doing and who we're supposed to be._

 _We're both lay on our backs, looking through the trees to see the bluest sky through the dying leaves. She turns her head and looks at me, I keep staring up. "Ali" she whispers, I almost lose it against the rustle of the wind through the branches. I finally give in and turn to look at her. She has an expression on her face I don't think I've ever seen, almost like she's… figured something out._

 _"_ _Yes Em" I say quietly, not wanting to disturb the moment._

 _"_ _I…I really care about you, you know that right?" she says, her eyes flickering down to my lips and back to my eyes. I take a sharp breath in, knowing now what she's figured out._

 _"_ _I know" I force out in a breath. She's looking at me so intensely I think I may melt, right here, in this pile of leaves. She moves a little closer to me and I can't help it when my eyes flash down to her lips, her beautiful lips. "I… I really care about you too Em"._

 _I didn't mean to say it, I thought it, but before I could stop the words they were out in the thick air surrounding us. We both move in slowly, I close my eyes as I feel her close enough for her breath to hit my face. I know I should stop this, I should stop now. But in this moment, in this park, in this bubble I can't find myself really caring. Before we know it our lips meet in a chaste kiss. It lasted so quickly you'd think it was just a dream. I pull back slightly and look at her. Her eyes open slowly and I swallow thickly at what I see when they do open. I see the truth, she_ cares _for me. Just like I've always_ cared _for her. She sees something too, because before either of us are aware, our lips meet again. This kiss is deeper, longer. She moves closer to me as I raise myself up both of us resting on our elbows and her hands cupping my cheeks she deepens the kiss further and I let out a small whimper at how wonderful her lips feel on mine. How it's like they're in the middle of a dance only we know._

 _Eventually we both pull back to breathe, I want to say something, I just don't know what. She looks at me like she can read her thoughts. Because instead of the angry expression I expected at my speechlessness, I'm met with her soft, warm gaze which makes me smile._

 _I could just lay here, under this tree, on this day, with this girl forever._

I shake my head to try and free myself from the clutches of that memory. That was a forever ago, that was another life. I look at my watch and panic, _great now I'm late._ I rush through the halls of Rosewood High School and make it to the faculty lounge. I grimace when I notice everyone is there, so I quietly slip in and hang to the back. I can feel a flurry of nerves swirling around in my stomach. I take another deep breath and listen to my boss addressing the faculty.

"I would like you all to welcome the new Head Swim Coach of the Rosewood Sharks, and also a returning student…" I stop breathing when she comes into my vision. "Emily Fields".

Everyone begins clapping her, moving up to welcome and congratulate her. I'm stuck, frozen in this spot in the corner of the faculty lounge. I literally can't move from the corner of the room. Eventually the crowd dissipates and as if it's some twist of fate it's just me and her. Alone.

She looks to the corner and gasps as she realises she's not alone. She just stares back at me, her eyes guarded like she's hiding herself from me. Now everyone's gone I get a better look at her, I haven't seen my Emily properly since the end of that summer. I shiver at what I see. She doesn't look happy. She looks tired, and sad. She looks like she's got the weight of the world on her. She looks like how I feel on the inside. And it breaks my heart. Despite how broken she looks, she's still looks like my Emily. Her eyes still hold that kindness, her features are still that of a goddess, she still the same. I try to figure out what it is that's really different. She looks away and that's when I see it, she isn't sad… she's lost.

"Hello Emily" I manage to force out. She hears my voice and looks up at me, a surprised look on her face.

"Hello Alison" she says harshly and I flinch at the abrasive tone. She isn't just lost, she's angry.

"Congratulations…on the job. Congratulations" I say, cringing at how small my voice sounds.

She shifts uncomfortably in the spot she's standing, her eyes focused on a spot on the wall behind my head. I feel my heart break at that, she can't even look at me. "Thanks" she forces out. "I uh, I have work to do" she says as she turns to leave.

"Emily!" I say loudly, trying to get her to stay for a little longer. "This, this is okay isn't it? Us working together?" I ask in a timid voice. I see her stand at the doorway trying to think of an answer.

"I… It's fine" she says shortly and moves off into the hallway, lost in the crowd. Once she's gone I try to control my shaky breathing. I rush out of the lounge to my classroom, glad my first period class is out on a field trip today. I lock the door and pull the blind down. As soon as I'm completely alone I slide down the door till I'm sitting on the floor and let the tears finally fall that I spent the entirety of the morning trying to hold in. The way she just looked at me, I never thought Emily, Emily Fields, my sweet Emily, would ever look at me like that.

Then a thought comes blazing through my mind that only makes me cry harder. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my family. If it wasn't for my parents. Now I'm here, married to a man who uses me as his personal stress ball, and working with the only person I've ever loved. A person who can't even look me in the eye. That same thought keep blazing through my mind, the same one from my wedding night, the same one from last night… from every second of every day. The one thought that smothers me constantly…

 _I shouldn't have let her go._

 **Authors Note:**

 **Well there it is. Another update. Sorry it's taken me this long. But such is life. I hope you like it. Like I said, I'll be throwing little flashbacks. For the next few chapters they'll be scattered. But as the story moves on, and we get closer to figuring out what happened** ** _that_** **summer, they'll become more chronological.**

 **What did you all think? They're now in the position where they can't avoid each other. They can't hide in their houses, in bottles of whiskey, behind smiles. Will Emily keep avoiding Alison. Will Alison learn that Emily isn't seeing Paige at all? Will Emily learn about what Ali's really going through?**

 **Stay tuned… this is going to be a wild one.**


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